Sokka's Delicate Mission
by Momo714
Summary: Narrated by Sokka in 1st person POV. Sokka sets out to singehandedly destroy the Fire Nation. After kidnapping Zuko, the two decide to team up. Parody xD
1. Chapter 1

Geh I hate to say it but I need to take a break from writing Zutara xD I'm literally up to my eyeballs in it and... I... miss... SOKKA!

**Chapter One: My Friends Disown Me.**

Yeah. You read it correctly. Chapter One: My Friends Disown Me.

Me. Sokka. Charming, dashing, courageous, astonishingly witty Sokka. What were they thinking? Heaven only knows. But I'll tell you this, the world is already becoming an increasingly awful place without dear friends disowning one another right and left.

It all began at around three in the afternoon on a Thursday. Or maybe it was a Friday. I wouldn't really know, as _someone's_ beloved pet lemur ate my calendar. That's the kind of thing I have to live with on a day to day basis, you know. Destroyed personal possessions, destroyed articles of clothing, destroyed everything. Animals are overrated, and that's a conclusion which everyone else in the world needs to hurry up and arrive at.

So anyways. I was hungry. And so I said so. What, I'm supposed to just keep it to myself? Is not one of the first and foremost premises of friendship that of being able to "tell each other everything"? God knows I listen to _them_ moan about their problems enough. Hardly a day goes by when Katara doesn't get all depressed about the state of her toes (all cracked and dirty... its pretty disgusting actually), and I always comfort her and tell her that her toes are really just fine the way they are. And then Aang is always lamenting about Katara's lack of being in love with him. I listen to that too, and I assure him that of course Katara is just bananas for him. I know what you're thinking now. I lie too much, right? But the thing is, I don't think of it as lying. I think of it as saying the first thing that pops into my mind. The fact that the first thing that pops into my mind is usually a lie isn't something I think I should be held responsible for.

Off track again. Back to the disowning. So I said to no one in particular that I was hungry, and no one in particular answered. Obviously they thought that if they disregarded me for long enough then I would shut up. And usually I do. Long strings of dialogue consume too much energy. But that day I was feeling rather energetic, and so I decided to go into deeper description regarding the state of my hunger. Really, one can never exercise their descriptive skills enough.

"There's a lot of types of hunger. I like to categorize them. Type A of course is the classic _My Stomach Is Going To Cave In _type. And then there's the ever enjoyable Type B– _I'm Considering Vomiting Up Last Evening's Rice And Eating It Again_. But who can forget about Type C, the rare but increasingly common _Hey How About I Cook Momo_–"

And it was at that point that Aang hit me with a gust of wind which knocked me right onto my butt. I managed to fall with really admirable poise and dignity, I think, and it's a pity there's no one around whose perceptive enough to notice those sorts of things about me.

After that I decided to wander away from the rest of the group to find some edible vegetation, which, incidentally, is a lot harder than it sounds. After a few minutes of that I was feeling pretty disoriented. I wasn't lost. Definitely not. I have never in my life been lost. No destination can elude me. Honestly, whoever named the map a "map" should have named it the Sokka. Wouldn't that be awesome? I can just hear people saying, "Hold on guys, I need to take a look at the Sokka, and then I'll point us in the right direction, all thanks to the aid of this really great Sokka."

So yeah, I was sort of just walking through the forest, surveying the trees for rare insect life and that sort of thing, when I heard noises off to the left. It sounded like a girl's voice. And I thought to myself, 'This could be a damsel in distress!' That's just the type of guy I am. No matter how pitifully starving or engrossed with studying insect life I am, there's always time for a damsel in distress. It really surprises me sometimes that I haven't got a medal yet.

Well it turns out it wasn't a damsel in distress. Not even close. It was that psychotic Fire Nation princess Azula. She's actually pretty attractive, in that borderline menacing way, and if I had kids with her they'd probably be really good looking.

Obviously there followed a battle between Azula and I, but I hardly need to recount the details to you, because I think by now you know me well enough to recognize that I'm the kind of guy who fights every battle with jaw dropping speed, agility, and stamina. If, in the end, I ended up sprinting through the forest with that bitch on my tail, its not because I was running away. Heavens no. It's because I was leading her into a trap. My brain is always ticking, always one step ahead, and so that had actually been my plan all along.

And then, wouldn't you know it, the others weren't ready for me! I had been yelling pretty loud, not out of fear of course, but to alert them to the situation at hand, but in their deafness they hadn't heard me. Isn't that just typical? Honestly, the things I put up with would put any other guy in his grave. I'm just lucky I have the perseverance and levelheadedness to survive such a precarious lifestyle.

Well after Azula and I collided with Aang and the rest, there was a little bit of panic. A little bit of chaos. None of it was my fault. Later on, my dear sister had the audacity to accuse me of surprising Appa into one of his "I want to stampede" moods, but that's just utter rubbish. Appa needs to get a bit braver is what needs to happen.

To make a long story short, we got away. I daresay it was all due to my distracting the other Fire Nation girl who had joined in with the fight, Ty something. Later on, dear Toph would so rudely accuse me of flirting in the midst of a fight for life or death. I nearly choked on the air I was breathing. Me? Flirting? In the midst of a fight for life or death?

Gods forbid it. I would never.

So yes, that night I was faced with all manner of such denigrating and defamatory charges. And I kept my head held high as Aang and Katara and Toph listed their grievances. I pride myself on being of noble bearing, and one of noble bearing never succumbs to negativity.

But then they she said it.

"Sokka... we're leaving you for a bit."

Leaving is just another word for disowning. I was too surprised to speak.

"Don't look so pale Sokka, it's only while we go on this delicate mission..."

Delicate missions are my specialty!

"We'll be back in no time Sokka. It's just better this way."

Back in no time my ass. I'm the one in the group who sets the grueling pace. I practically keep everyone alive! And so I said, "You'll die without me!"

And would you believe it, they laughed at me? I for one don't even see how one could stare into eyes such as mine, such a striking shade of blue, and laugh. But then, a lot of really amazing things go unappreciated. Like raw meat.

So there you have it. They disowned me, and they left on their little "delicate mission."

But I would show them. In their absence, I would depart on my own delicate mission, one which would turn the tide of the war and insure my name's placement in all of history's annals.

**A.N.**

**Stay tuned xD **


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: I Spot A Woodland Creature, Try to Catch It and Eat It, and Fail. **

I'm pretty much the best person ever at formulating brilliant plans. I don't even need to have a goal in mind. Just come up to me and say, "Sokka, I'm bored," and I'll whip you up a completely random nonetheless brilliant plan in a minute or so. You might end up taking over the world, or you might end up married to a strikingly beautiful woman, or you might even end up with a third arm. With me, you never know.

But with this brilliant plan, I had a goal.

Goal: Destroy the Fire Nation.

Simple.

Step 1: Go to Fire Nation.

Step 2: Infiltrate palace.

Step 3: Wait for inspiration to strike.

Perfect, right? And so I set off. Did Aang and Katara and Toph honestly think I'd just sit around at Martha's Potions Den (yes, that's where they left me) getting dizzy from all of Martha's crazy potion fumes? Like hell.

And so about four hours after I'd left, having just completed four laborious hours of hiking, I realized that I was hungry. And that I hadn't packed food, water, extra clothes, or any other supplies. Because I forgot? Nay. I was merely observing an ancient Water Tribe custom of throwing oneself into the wilderness with nothing but the clothes on one's back, therefore bringing one into closer proximity of nature's rawness– to the very bosom of nature, yes, that's why I did it.

Well pretty soon night fell, and it was rather dark and cold, and above all, quiet, so I decided to sing a song out loud. My singing voice, its not very good, and so it sounds a lot like yelling. Possibly even screaming. So I don't blame the guy who found me at all for mistaking my music for cries of distress. He said to me, "You okay kid? You were screaming for help." And so I told him, "Don't worry. That's a common misunderstanding," to which he responded, "Give me all your money."

It was at that point that I realized I was being robbed. Hearing about fight scenes is boring, so I'll skip over that and just say that the guy obviously didn't succeed, as I suddenly decided to go jogging as he was lunging for me. I do that, you know. As a warrior, physical fitness is extremely important to me, and so I make a point of going on jogs/sprints at random moments throughout the day. It's also important to run in random directions during those times, and so the fact that I ended up back at Martha's Potion Den by daybreak can hardly be surprising.

"Back so soon?" she said. "I thought you were taking down the Fire Nation, little man."

So ungrateful to the future Hero of Time. Of course, I responded politely. "These things take time, Martha. I was just scouting the terrain and doing some jogging."

"You been jogging all night?"

"_Yes_."

Then Martha went off into the back room. Presumably to brew some more of her crazy potions. I decided to lay down on the floor, and it was then that I was struck with a new and better plan.

Forget invading the palace. What had I been thinking? Invasions are so old fashioned and cliche. What I needed was a hostage. From the Fire Nation obviously. Someone to use as leverage. Someone unmistakable and reasonably important.

_Zuko._

It would be an extremely delicate operation. Kidnaping is very delicate.

After a well earned nap, I got up and asked Martha if she had any crazy fortune telling friends. Luckily, she did (Jenna of Jenna's Fortune Telling Den). Jenna turned out to be a legitimate mistress of the occult, and found Zuko's location for me: The Sandwich Shop in a village called Hamm, which in another stroke of luck, was only three miles away. I departed immediately, but not before dropping back in on Martha and saying, "Martha, the next time you see me I'll have so many gold medals round my neck that I won't be able to stand and I'll donate you a few to melt down and make into a nice gold cauldron for all of your crazy potions."

I arrived at Hamm in the late afternoon and immediately spotted Zuko. He was sort of pacing aimlessly around the village square. He also looked rather depressed.

I almost felt sorry for him, the poor sitting duck.

Now, you might think that the best way to kidnap a fairly tall and passably strong-looking teenage boy is with brute force. Man to man combat. I would say that too, because I love sweating and grunting and brawling more than any guy you'll ever meet. Honestly, I'm a grunt fanatic. But I couldn't do that with Zuko, because there is an ancient Water Tribe custom which dictates that when kidnaping royalty, one must never engage in man to man combat, and one must at all costs ensnare the royal kidnapee by means of cross dressing.

I'm a traditionalist, and so of course I persuaded a bartender girl named Naomi to lend me one of her dresses and do my make up. In the end, I think I looked rather fine. When you're a really attractive person, you're attractive no matter what you're dressed up as. I was confident in my ability to seduce Zuko.

"Hey there big boy," I called.

He glanced up from his pacing, and for some reason appeared slightly alarmed. "Hi."

"Wanna take a walk?"

He blushed. "No. I'm very busy."

"Doing what?"

Now he was staring at me very hard. "You look familiar."

Smart bastard. "... No I don't. You're just drunk."

"I am not!" he sputtered indignantly.

It looked like I'd have to resort to brute force. Saying a silent prayer of repentance to my ancestors, I threw myself at Zuko and punched him hard in the side of the head.

I ended up really hurting my knuckles, but he went down like a sack of potatoes, which reminded me that I was hungry, so I stopped in the Sandwich Shop for some potato salad before dragging Zuko off into the woods.

Now I know the title of Chapter two was_ I Spot A Woodland Creature, Try to Catch It and Eat It, and Fail_, and that did happen. It happened on my way to Hamm to fetch Zuko. I just forgot to mention it back then.

**A.N.**

**Stay tuned again xD**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: Zuko Is Weird. **

And the word "weird" doesn't even begin to capture his uniquely distressing personality. I mean, I'm the guy who marches around the country with a bison, a lemur, my sister, a twelve year old whose in love with my sister, and a smart ass Earth Bender. I _know _weird. I'm qualified to write an _encyclopedia _about weird.

So, I dragged Zuko off into the woods. He was pretty heavy, and even though I had just eaten a lot of potato salad I was still feeling pretty famished. So I had to stop after a few minutes. During those few minutes Zuko woke up. After some initial yelling and panicking and wriggling around (I had tied him up, you see) he said to me, "What the hell are you!?"

I gave him one of my most threatening stares. "Your worst nightmare."

He peered up at me from where he lay in the mud. "You're the Water Tribe boy."

"No I'm not."

"You are!"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

That conversation carried on for a bit, and eventually I had to admit to him that I was, indeed, Sokka of the Water Tribes. I guess there's no bit of cloth and make up which can shroud my manliness for long. So anyways, we got to talking. It turned out Zuko was no longer affiliated with the Fire Nation.

"No longer affiliated with the Fire Nation?"

"Or with any of its allies and vassals."

"How did that happen?"

"Oh, you know, my dad and sister want to kill me... I'm a traitor and a treasonist. All that."

"Ah. I understand."

"Yeah, so you really didn't have to tie me up. As of now I'm assessing my life and deciding on a future course of action."

"Want to help me singe-handedly destroy the Fire Nation?"

"But... it won't be single-handed if I help you..."

I waved a hand of dismissal. "Singe-handed, double-handed, whatever. You in?"

He thought it over. "What the hell. Sure."

And so an alliance was born. In any duo, there is the leader and the follower. The hero and the sidekick. Obviously I was the leader and the hero. This fact was exhibited several times throughout the day as we were making our way back to Headquarters (Martha's Potions Den).

Most notably was the instance of my giving Zuko some pop up lessons in agility. I made it look like I was tripping over a root, but in reality I was demonstrating the proper way to fall.

"It's called grace, Zuko," I said, as I got up from the ground. "Grace is so underrated these days. Falling with lordliness is a skill too few possess."

Later on, Zuko smacked his head on a low branch and was out cold for a few minutes, and he tried to brush it off by saying, "It's an old Fire Nation custom to experience at least five minutes of unconsciousness on a day to day basis."

Honestly, his tendency to make excuses for himself distressed me a bit, but Martha seemed to like him well enough (she gave him a crazy ointment for the bruise on his forehead) and so I decided to stick with him. After all, what else but divinely ordained destiny could bring two disowned young men together to unite in achieving the destruction of a regime?

That night, we began on formulating a plan.

"We could capture the Avatar..."

I sighed. "Zuko. We've been through this. That's a no-no."

"What about the girl, the Water Tribe girl... we could kidnap her!"

I sighed. "Zuko. We've been through this. She's my sister."

"It would be so romantic though..."

See what I mean with the weirdness? "Moving on... Listen, Zuko. Invasion is cliche. Kidnaping is cliche. Assassination is cliche. Its all cliche. We need something new and fresh and spicy... something like... diplomacy."

"Diplomacy?"

"Diplomacy."

"Explain."

"We found a new country. I'm President. You're Vice President. Martha is Chairman of the Parliament. We enter the Fire Nation under guise of diplomats, and proceed to use Martha's skills of potion-induced hypnosis to hypnotize Ozai into relinquishing control of the Fire Nation into our hands."

His eyes widened. "Martha can do that?"

I yelled out to Martha in the backroom, "Martha, can your crazy potions hypnotize someone?"

"Yeah."

"Wanna be Chairman of the Parliament of my new country?"

"Whatever honey."

I smirked at Zuko. "See?"

He smiled hesitantly. For a warrior of the Fire Nation, he was awfully nervous about things. I suppose that's what comes of being on the run for too long. Paranoia.

And so it began.

That night I slept soundly, all but for the time when Zuko started yelling in the next room. Something about "Kill!! Kill!!" He had forewarned me, though, that he tended to talk in his sleep, and so I ignored it.

**A.N.**

**Delusional Sokka + Paranoid Zuko amounts to... XD**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter Four: I Am Cool and Unconcerned.**

Over breakfast the next morning, Zuko and I discussed the particulars of our new country. He was a bit restive. I was cool and unconcerned.

"I still don't see why you get to be president," he said, as he stabbed at his grapefruit with a spoon.

I threw a bit of scrambled eggs at him and he jumped out of his chair, breathing in gasps and clutching at his heart.

"That's why, Zuko. You're too on edge. A president needs to be cool and unconcerned."

He sat back down and started stabbing the grapefruit again. "Cool? Just this morning I saw you get your foot stuck in a bucket."

I frowned unconcernedly. "Its merely an ancient Water Tribe custom for one to test out any bucket one might come across in that manner."

"How do you test a bucket?"

I was too busy being cool and unconcerned to answer him.

"Concentrate, Zuko. We need a name for our country. Any ideas?"

"Zukoland."

"I was thinking Sokkania."

We argued for a long time, and eventually we decided on Greece as a name. It just had a nice ring to it. After some more discussion we hammered out the details of Greece:

-National flag: Shall depict a pony on a field of yellow.

-National anthem: Shall be composed by Martha at a later date.

-National motto: Thou shalt not disown.

-National animal: Pony.

-National beverage: Potion.

Having accomplished all of that, I decided to go out and meet some of the village girls, and forced Zuko to come along with me. In no time at all we had met a nice girl named Kim in a tea shop.

"I'm Sokka," I said. "President of Greece. And this is Zuko. He used to be a prince, but now he's vice president of Greece."

She looked skeptical. "Where's Greece?"

I was feeling pretty unconcerned, so I nudged Zuko. "Talk to Kim, Zuko. Don't be shy."

He forced himself to smile at her. It was a bit frightening. "Greece is... um... near the Fire Nation."

"Oh?"

"Yes."

Kim walked away.

"Nice try, Zuko. Maybe next time."

We dawdled some more in the village, and then it was time to depart for the Fire Nation. I won't say much about the sea voyage. It was long and wavy, and rather miserable, as the sea seemed to bolster Zuko's confidence. He tended to stride around the deck bellowing orders, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to make him understand that he was completely unsuited to being president of Greece.

But still, I was unconcerned. Not worried in the least. Some of us are just born that way. And you know, sometimes I wish things would faze me more, because people tend to be put off by how ridiculously cool I am, and it gets tiresome.

So anyways, I suppose there's one moment of note from the sea voyage. I was talking to Martha one day– it was a Wednesday, and I know that because I had a calendar again.

"Martha, can you brew a hallucinogenic potion?"

She frowned. "Yes. You want it?"

"Me? No, no. I'm hardly interested. I'm only mentioning this because I'm bored."

"I see."

"But Martha, hypothetically speaking, one under the influence of such a potion would be very susceptible to emotional trauma right?"

"That's right. Very susceptible. You want it?"

"Me? No, no. Honestly, I'm hardly paying attention to this conversation. Feeling pretty unconcerned today, you know."

"I see."

"But Martha, hypothetically speaking, a potion of this nature would be what, purple? And kept in a small bottle such as that one right there in the side pocket of your crazy potions bag?"

"That's right. Purple. Small bottle. Side pocket. You want it?"

"Want what?"

"The hallucinogenic potion."

"Oh, that. Yes, sorry. I had forgotten what we were talking about, as our conversation was so meaningless and inconsequential to me."

"I see."

As I took my leave from Martha's cabin, I may have accidentally slipped the purple potion in the small bottle into my pocket. The thing is, my hands are so dexterous, I can hardly maintain control of them. The same thing happened that night at dinner. My hands got so overexcited with their own dexterity that the contents of the little bottle ended up flying into Zuko's drinking glass. Completely of their own accord. I tried to say something to him, but then I just felt really overwhelmingly unconcerned, and I decided instead to have another helping of roast chicken.

Later that night, I found Zuko curled up in the corner of his cabin. He was muttering to himself, and his eyes were very wide, and his pupils were very dilated, and he kept waving his arms at the air in front of him, like he was petting a sheep.

"Zuko."

He jerked his head wildly up at me. There's one skill Zuko has which I don't. Wild head jerking.

"Are you God?" he said quietly.

I said the first thing that popped into my head. "Yes."

Remember, its not like I should be held responsible for such lies. Its just a genetic tendency.

"God, I want to be president of Greece."

After that I can't really remember what I said. The memory is hazy. I can vaguely recall implying to Zuko that God might smite him should he aspire to being anything more than a vice president, or do anything less than aiding the great Sokka, the Chosen One, in his glorious mission. I might have said something like that. Its hard to say. Being cool and unconcerned has its drawbacks. Memory loss and so on.

Either way, upon our arrival in the Fire Nation, Zuko was back to teetering on the edge of paranoia, and in addition, he seemed to sort of worship me. Imagine that. What a strange guy.

**A.N.**

**flOofymikO- Yes, this story will be pairing free lol. Sokka will be too busy chipping away at Zuko's sanity to errr... fall in love xD Boys love is sexy, but I'm probably no good at writing it xD**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five: Zuko Makes a More Convincing Girl Than I Do**

He does, and I feel like I hardly need to state that, as its just such a painfully obvious fact, but it's a catchy chapter title so whatever. As for why he makes a more convincing girl than I do, I guess its probably his skin. All pearly and white. I'm comfortable enough in my sexuality to admit that its really quite beautiful. I asked him if he washes his face with milk every night and uses all sorts of little lotions, but he denied it. Still, he really ought to go lay in the sun for a few years. Isn't that what they do in the Fire Nation? Lay out in the sun until it addles their brains and makes them bloodthirsty pyromaniacs? That's what I thought, but then there's whiter-than-Casper-the-Friendly-Ghost Zuko, so who knows.

Anyway, we had to dress him up as a girl for three reasons:

1. Ozai would probably recognize him if we didn't suit him up in a clever disguise.

2. Since the population of Greece is only two (Martha refused citizenship as she's very loyal to the Earth Kingdom), at least one of us needs to be registered as a girl or we won't be seen a respectable nation. What kind of respectable nation can't procreate?

3. We need some feminine sex appeal. Martha's great and all, but she smells like all of her crazy potions, and she's also sixty years old.

"You know Zuko," I said, adjusting the neckline of his new gown, "If you're going to keep up this disguise, it wouldn't hurt to lose a couple pounds..."

He looked at me sadly. "Am I fat?"

"No, no. Just buff. I mean, muscular women have a certain appeal, I'll admit, but that's not the look we're going for. I want you to be more willowy."

"Willowy," he repeated, staring at himself in the looking glass. "Alright. I guess I'll skip dinner tonight."

The next day, we hired a herald to announce our presence to the Fire Lord.

"Are you sure this is legit?" he asked for the eighth time, looking our group over.

I brushed off the lapel of my new satin jacket. "Of course, Shang. I am the president of a powerful nation, come to establish an alliance with the Fire Nation. Yun here," I gestured at Zuko, "Is my wife and the vice-president of Greece. And Martha is our highly trusted Chairman of the Parliament."

He drummed his fingers against the staff of our flag, which he would carry with him into the hall of the Fire Lord when announcing our presence. "What the hell is a parliament?? And aren't you two a little young to be married? And what's in Martha's huge bag?"

Sighing, I answered, "All her crazy potions of course. As for parliament, it's a legislative assembly. As for my marriage, that is simply none of your business."

He snorted. "Your wife looks like she's about to pass out."

I glanced at Zuko. "Yun, what's the matter?"

"Nothing."

"Tell me, darling."

He shuffled from foot to foot. "I just skipped breakfast this morning and I'm feeling a little woozy..."

Perfect. Now he's got an eating disorder. "We'll discuss this after we meet the Fire Lord, Yun. Shang, lead on. Let's do this."

And so it was that we paraded into the throne room of the Fire Lord Ozai, proudly displaying all the glory of Greece. Which was not a lot, I'll admit, but I was confident that with my inner radiance and Zuko's feminine sex appeal, people might sort of overlook Martha.

Ozai glared at us from behind a curtain of fire. "Who are you? What is this?"

Shang stepped forward. "Allow me to present, O Great Fire Lord Ozai, the President of Greece, Sokka, along with his wife and the Vice-President of Greece, the lovely Yun, and the maiden Martha, their Chairman of Parliament."

Ozai frowned. "Do I know you, Yun?"

I held my breath and willed Zuko not to collapse, as he looked like he was about to.

"N-n-n-n-n-n-n-no fath– I mean Fire Lord Ozai," stammered Zuko, and fell to his knees.

Over the course of the next ten minutes, I charmed the Fire Lord with brilliant witticisms and pleasantries. I might have groveled a bit. But it was more the wit than the groveling that got him to invite us to a private dinner the next evening.

As we made our way from the Palace and back to the hotel, I congratulated Martha and Zuko on their performances, and took the liberty of narrating for them all that had gone through my mind as I had discoursed with the would-be dictator of the world.

"You should write a book," said Zuko.

I agreed with him, and well, here I am now. Writing a book.

**A.N.**

**I am so freakin cruel to Zuko xD **


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter Six: Dinner Transcript**

So we went to the private dinner with.Ozai, and it went horribly. That dirty old man wouldn't stop flirting with Yun, who was supposed to be my wife, but was actually just Zuko dressed up as a girl, therefore making the situation incredibly awkward on two different levels. I was torn between feeling protective of my wife and feeling thoughtful about the fact that Ozai would be attracted to the disguised/female version of his own son. Zuko, for his part, was terribly distressed by the whole ordeal, and his frequent bouts of loud sobbing really disturbed my concentration. But I had to act the part. I had to see it through. My delicate mission and position as the Hero of Time were at stake. Not only that, but the reputation of all of Greece was on the line.

Anyway, here for your reading pleasure is a record of the conversation during that dinner, transcribed by the ever lovely Martha. As Martha didn't say anything during the dinner, she has inserted several ads for her crazy potions shop into the transcript. For advertising purposes. So don't get confused by that. I want to take the ads out, but I won't, because I'm just such a nice, tender guy, and because Martha owns our team headquarters, which until further notice is the Greek Embassy. So we've got to keep them in. Sorry.

TRANSCRIPT

OZAI: That's a nice shirt, Sokka.

SOKKA: Thanks Ozai. I got it at that boutique in the downtown area... what was it called? Hmm... hmm... it's on the tip of my tongue... oh yes. It was called Luigi's. Or something.

ZUKO: -strangled moan-

SOKKA: By the gods, Yun, what is the matter with you? This is a formaldinner. Moaning is just inappropriate.

OZAI: -smiles- It's ok if she moans.

ALL: -awkward silence-

SOKKA: -stomps on Zuko's foot several times beneath the dinner table-

MARTHA: Come visit Martha's Potions Den! Located just fifteen miles south of Ba Sing Se, we have a crazy solution for your every crazy need!

SOKKA: So. Um. Ozai. How's the wife?

ZUKO: -weeps into napkin-

OZAI: -makes complex hand gestures at the large, muscular man in the corner of the room who looks suspiciously like a hit man-

SOKKA: -laughs- You know, I need to rephrase that question. What I meant to say was, just how unbelievably rich are you?

OZAI: Ah... lets see... very. I've got a lot of gold bullion. Priceless jewels. Diamonds, rubies, sapphires, lapis lazuli, opals, all that stuff, you know. And then I've got a lot of ivory statues. They're all of me, obviously. And umm... what else... well there's the palaces. Several palaces around the country, all well furnished. Solid gold bathtubs and that sort of thing. When you're me, those little luxuries are what separate you from the wannabees. Things like pearl inlaid faucets, that's important! And cabinets. They should always be paneled with ivory. Mine are, of course. And not just any ivory. The imported type. Ah, now. What else. My jewelry. Ah, yes, jewelry. Well I have several thousand bracelets. I'm a bracelet man. Gold, mostly. Some silver. As for their jeweling, I prefer rubies. They just go so well with my eyes. But I can't say no to diamonds. Diamonds are just fabulous, you know? Apart from bracelets, I really enjoy rings. Necklaces and earrings, not so much. Hair ornamentation is also important to me. I like to wear a lot of wealth in my hair. It tells people that I'm a big shot, and that I'm a really handsome big shot. Hmm... what else... ah fur. I love fur. I worship fur. It's just heavenly. Tiger skins, bear skins, leopard skins, I have them all. My bed is a virtual explosion of furs. I like to sleep in warmth, you know. And let's see... well I have quite an extended staff. I've got a woman to wear my slippers for me, as slippers make my feet sweaty. I've got a man to trains my birds to say interesting things. I've got a team of dancers who perform private shows for me when I'm feeling down, too. Dancing really lifts the soul, I think. And oh, you know what else I've got? Statues. Did I already say those?

SOKKA: Yeah. You did.

OZAI: Hey Yun, that's a pretty dress. If you want, and if its ok with your husband, you could come to my room with me tonight, where I could show you some other pretty dresses. Would you like to do that?

ZUKO: -whimpers-

SOKKA: Unfortunately, Yun is pregnant. And so she really shouldn't be, you know, around dresses and stuff.

OZAI: I see.

ZUKO: But I don't want to be pregnant!

SOKKA: -coughs-

MARTHA: Come visit Martha's Potions Den! Located just fifteen miles south of Ba Sing Se, we have a crazy solution for your every crazy need!

OZAI: So what are you going to name the child?

SOKKA: Sokka. After myself. Even if it's a girl.

OZAI: A splendid name. Splendid.

SOKKA: I know. It's a great name.

OZAI: So, Yun. That's a pretty dress. You look very slim in it.

ZUKO: Slim? Really?

OZAI: Yes, its hard to believe you're pregnant.

SOKKA: Well its still just the first month.

OZAI: Ahh, I see.

END TRANSCRIPT

Yeah, there was more, but you get the points. And in case you didn't, I'll outline them here.

A. Ozai is rich and horny.

B. Zuko is a pansy.

C. I'm awesome.

D. Come visit Martha's Potions Den! Located just fifteen miles south of Ba Sing Se, we have a crazy solution for your every crazy need!

**A.N.**

I hope nobody actually read Ozai's whole little speech xD I just prattled on about anything I could think of which pertained to wealth. Man this was a weird chapter xD Weird format. I've read it a bunch of times and still can't decide if its actually funny or not, but either way, experimentation is fun :D

Next chapter, Sokka and his posse will reunite with the rest of the Gaang, and some parody Zutara will ensue, so stay tuned xD


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter Seven: Zuko Is a Pansy and Ruins My Plan**

The Fire Nation capital was actually a really pleasant place. Lots of restaurants and pretty girls. Great wine. Really great wine. Of course, I had to tote my stupid pregnant wife around everywhere, so I didn't have nearly as much fun as I could have. To keep up the pregnancy illusion, I forced Zuko to get over his eating disorder and gain a couple pounds. I also made him keep a small cushion stuffed under his dress at all times. He said that it made his abs sweaty and I told him to get over it. He's just way too weird when it comes to his abs. Seriously.

Then some stuff happened that's not really worth mentioning. Martha kept asking when we were going to take down Ozai and I had to spout off several thousand patience proverbs. Plans to topple empires can't be rushed, you know. They must be executed at very precise moments. Precise moments such as moments when I feel like it. Did I mention how great the wine was?

So yeah, we were having an awesome time. Fantastic. And then the disowners show up. Aang and Toph and my sister. They just pop up out of nowhere and immediately start yelling at me. Yelling obscenities, I might add. It was rude to the point of being distressing. I tried to communicate to them that fact that I don't respond well to strong language, and they didn't listen, unless listening constitutes calling me an insane son of a bitch. I know. It's awful.

And I was also drunk. Unfortunately. Even more unfortunately, so was Zuko. And Martha. We were all blind stinking drunk. Ozai kept sending "Yun" free wine so what were we going to do? Look at them? Surround the bottles with flower arrangements? Hell no.

So the memory is kind of hazy, but I think the conversation went something like this.

Katara: SOKKA! WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN YOU MORON? WHY DIDN'T YOU WAIT AT MARTHA'S?!

Toph: Oh my god. Look. It's Martha. She's here too.

Aang: Come on Katara, calm down... I mean... at least he's alive...

Me: Hahahahahahahaha!!!!! Aaang!! Kaataraa!!!! Torp!!! I mean... Torf... Tiffany... Toph!!!!

Katara: Sokka. You have ten seconds before I move. I suggest you run.

Aang: Katara...

Toph: Wow he's really drunk.

Zuko: Hey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hi Katara! Hi!

Aang: AHH!

Katara: AHHH!!!!

Toph: My GOD. He's... pregnant...

Me: I can explain lolz.

Katara: Lolz?

Toph: It means laughing out loud. I'm not sure what the "z" is for.

Katara: Oh.

Zuko: I'm not really pregnant. I'm not transsexual either. I'm straight! Okay Katara? Okay?

Katara: Uhh... okay..

Soon after that Zuko changed out of his dress. The pansy.

I tried to talk him out of it.

"Think, Zuko, think. Use your _mind_. What if someone recognizes you? I'll tell you what. Execution. Do you want to be executed?"

He threw the dress into the fireplace. "I had a dream last night."

I coughed. "Oh?"

"It was sort of a flashback kind of thing. One where your hand is fiddling around over my drinking glass."

I coughed again. "Is that so?"

"Yeah."

"I wonder what that means."

"Me too."

I sneezed. "I'll just go in the other room now."

I then made one of my trademark quick, smooth, handsome exits and decided it was time to revise the master plan again.


End file.
